2006年12月18日 (月)

Four friends at a party

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.
Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy.
He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company.
He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."
The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy.
He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school to become a pilot.
Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets.
He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."
The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer.
Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire.
He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?
One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?"
The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."  The three friends said: "What a shame...what a disappointment."
The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him.
And he hasn't done too bad either.
His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."

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2006年4月 8日 (土)

Crazy!!

Police_caraccidentmiami  Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. ( A brick?)


The prnalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Much worse than "going blind!"


There are men in Guam wnose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?



In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous hushands, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.(Ah, Justice!)



Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England but only in tropical fish sores.(But of course!)



In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.)



In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)



In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception; Prophylatictics may be dispensed from a vending machine only"in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises. "(Is this a great country or what? Well...not as great as Guam!)



Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Who volunteers for this stuff?)



Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.



The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.



An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)



Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that)



Turtles can breathe through their butts.

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2006年4月 7日 (金)

An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scot

Beergks6 An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional.

"Y'know" said the Scot, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's  a little bar called McTavish's where the owner will buy your 5th drink after you buy 4."

"Well" said the Englishman, "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."

"Ahhh that's nothing" said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."

The Englishman and the Scot immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims. He swears every word is true.

"Well" said the Englishman. "Did this actually happen to you?"

"No, not me personally, "said the Irishman.




"But it did happen to my sister."

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Woman = ???

Cah1jep3 To find a woman, you need TIME and MONEY



Therefore;



WOMAN = TIME × MONEY



"Time is money" so



TIME = MONEY



Therefore



Woman = Money × Money



Woman = (Money) (Money)



"Money is the root of all problems"



Money = √Problems



Therefore



Woman = √(Problems) × (Problems)



Woman =(problems) (problems)



Woman = Problems

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Too many questions spoil the ***!!!

121_2106thumb Have you ever asked your child a quiestion too many times? My friend's three-year old son had a lot of problems with potty training and she was on him constantly.

One day, they stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy with a full dining room. While enjoying her taco, she smelled something funny, so of course she checked her seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then she realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so she asked him if he needed to go.

And he said "No."

She kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an acciddent, and I don't have any clothes with me..."

Then she said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an acciddent?"

"No." He replied.

She just KNEW that he must have had an acciddent, because the smell was getting worse.

.

Sooooooo!

.

She asked one more time. "Danny, did you have an accident?"

This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled.

.

"SEE MUM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"

.

While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing! He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.

An old couple made her feel better by thanking her for the best laugh they'd ever had!!!

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2006年4月 5日 (水)

Stress Management

Image_gallery1_6 A lecturer, when explaining stress management to an audience, raised a glass of water and asked, "How heavy is this glass of water?"

Answers called out ranged from 20g to 500g

The lecturer replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long you try to hold it."

"If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance."

"In each case, it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes."

He continued, "And that's the way it is with stress management. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the  burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on.""As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden."

"So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work down. Don't carry it home. You can pick it up tomorrow. Whatever burdens you're carrying now, let them down for a moment if you can."

"Relax; pick them up later after you're rested. Life is short. Enjoy it!"

And then he shared some ways of dealing with the burdens of life.

Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Never buy a car you can't push.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.

The second mouse gets the cheese.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.

You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make one.

Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.

We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names, and all are different colours but they all have to live in the same box.

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.

Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought about you today.

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